


Hunger

by bluecalicocat



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt, Fainting, He's not, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Kim Yugyeom-Centric, Multi, protective and caring hyungs, they all love each other, yugyeom thinks he's a problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-08-11 11:04:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20152570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecalicocat/pseuds/bluecalicocat
Summary: Yugyeom has problems, but he never told any of them, so they really couldn't have known. Maybe he should have.aka, Yugyeom has a past with an eating disorder that's triggered by feeling hungry, and the life of an idol includes irregular meals, meaning that being hungry is inevitable.





	1. anxiety

Maybe taking the subway home isn't the best idea, not while it feels like his veins are filled with liquid anxiety, but it's a little too late to do anything about it now. Yugyeom is already standing on the underground platform, waiting for the next train home.

His clothes touch his stomach, but he can't bring himself to look down and check if it looks as bad as it feels, so instead he ends up adjusting the hoodie every other second. It's warm out, but there's no way he's taking off the piece of clothing since that would include showing more skin.

Eyes. From every direction, it feels like people are watching him, and Yugyeom uncomfortably plays with the end of his sleeves.

He probably looks at the time way too many times, anticipating when the train will finally enter the platform so that he doesn't have to keep feeling like there are people judging him from every direction.

An eternity later, the lights finally show up through the tunnel and Yugyeom hears the swooshing sound of air as the train moves.

There's a lot of people out at this time, and it seems they all move closer when the train comes. It's the first time since Yugyeom arrived here that he doesn't find himself bothered by the amount of strangers surrounding him, because at least their proximity means that he doesn't stand out as much. This way, he blends into the crowd, and all he wants right now is to hide, so it's a good thing.

Yugyeom really wishes that he could take a seat in the corner to press against the wall, but obviously, he just has to end up being among the last to enter the train since he doesn't really wanna push anyone. The only spots left are the ones in the middle. That gives him the choice to either stand up and be uncomfortable, but having to focus on balancing when the train moves, or to sit down and be uncomfortable, but at least feel secure that he won't fall over.

Obviously, he takes a seat, but it doesn't feel great. The worst part is that he can still hear the logical part of his mind telling him that no one is even looking his way, that most people are looking at their phones.

His shirt against his stomach feels weird, but he doesn't want to adjust it any more than he already has, because that would bring attention to it.

There's music on through his earplugs, but he can't loose himself in it the same way he usually does. His thoughts are too loud.

It only takes a few stops before the seats in the corner become empty, but when they do, Yugyeom can't bring himself to stand up and move. He looks at the empty spot where he wishes he was currently sitting, but he doesn't stand up. The fault isn't that his body feels like stone, like some people describe it. No, it's that his mind feels like stone. He can't tell himself to move. Too anxious to sit where he's sitting right now, but too anxious to move, stuck in an endless cycle that ends with his anxiety increasing by about a hundred percent.

It's funny how he's been to haunted houses, jumped out of an airplane, yet this is the scariest thing: Public transportation.

Well, it usually isn't. The scary part isn't the subway, no, it's the "public" part. Feeling everyone's eyes on him, hearing his own mind telling him that everyone is staring, judging. Yugyeom knows that it isn't logical to believe that he knows what everyone is thinking, since he's no mind-reader, but it's hard to argue with his not-so-logical mind at the moment. _Disgusting, ugly, weird, too fat, too tall, too much..._

Yugyeom knows that it isn't true, but in his current state, it's easier to believe they're all judging him than it is to believe that they aren't.

***

_If anyone says anything about my eating, I'll either cry or scream_, Yugyeom thinks when he sits down at the dinner table that night. He hopes he'll be able to get away with only eating a tiny portion without the other members noticing, thinking that it probably won't be too hard since they tend to talk a lot, putting less focus on what everyone is doing.

He wishes he didn't have to eat at all, but there's no way they'd let him do that.

Yugyeom isn't sure whether he's happy or disappointed when nobody notices what he's doing, or how much energy it takes for him to do something as simple as smile, but at least it means he doesn't have to explain himself to any of them.

He gets away with eating an incredibly small portion of food. Yugyeom really should have figured that today would be the day someone remembers that there is ice-cream in the fridge.

"Yugs, you want ice-cream, right?" Bambam asks. He's already halfway out of his seat by the time he finishes the sentence, but still stops to wait for the other's answer.

"Sure", Yugyeom says with a small smile, simply because it's what he's expected to say.

He goes to help Bambam get the ice-cream, bowls and spoons, but nobody notices when he never takes any of the dessert for himself.

Yugyeom thinks that maybe he can get through this on his own.


	2. no one cares

It's been going on for a month. Some days are easier than others, and he even manages to have three decent sized meals during those days, but other times, eating something as small as a fruit feels like a huge obstacle to overcome. Usually, he manages to do it anyway. Sometimes he doesn't.

Nothing bad has happened yet. Yugyeom keeps telling himself that what he's doing isn't bad enough, isn't serious enough to be an actual problem that he has to tell others about and deal with. He allows himself to ignore it, pretending it's not a real problem.

After all, he's barely doing anything. He doesn't need to stop.

His members don't seem to have noticed anything different. Maybe they react to how often he says he's eating dinner out with friends, but they're aware that he has a lot of friends, so they probably don't find it weird. Maybe they notice that he stays in the dance studio a lot longer, but he's always spent a lot of time in the practice room, and they don't know how late it is when he actually stops dancing, so they probably don't notice the change.

Sometimes Yugyeom wishes life was like in a story. He wishes they could take one look at him and see all the hours he's spent overworking himself in the dance room, see all the nights he's been sleepless because his mind just wouldn't stop spinning, all the meals he's skipped, all the things he's doing to himself.

Life isn't like in the stories. Maybe they notice that he's been a bit more down, but you wouldn't be worried about someone feeling bad if you think it's a one time thing. After all, his members think they've only been watching him have some bad days. They don't know that it's been a bad month.

They don't know about the time when he had a bad year, because he never told any of them about that. Yugyeom himself is worried that this bad month will turn into another bad year, but his members aren't, because they've never seen him go through it before.

It was the year before he became a trainee. He barely ate, constantly overworked himself by dancing, and would throw up after anything that could count as an actual meal.

Of course, that was a long time ago, and he's a lot better now, but that doesn't mean he never goes back to that state of mind.

Yugyeom regrets not telling the members about what he went through. Maybe then they would have realized what is happening right now.

With a heavy sigh, Yugyeom pushes himself up from the floor of the dance studio, having been here for six hours already, but with no plans of stopping anytime soon. He wishes someone would pull him out of here, but no one comes. No one knows.

_No one cares_, a voice at the back of his mind whispers. Yugyeom lets the loud music drown it out and goes back to slowly destroying both his mind and body.

***

"I talked with manager-nim about him today", Jinyoung says. "He really isn't fit to train us."

Jinyoung is sitting on a chair in the kitchen, drinking from a cup in front of him, with Jaebum seated opposite him. They're the only ones home at the moment and are currently talking about one of the new trainers that has been overseeing their practices. All of the members have noticed that the man doesn't behave like a trainer should, that there's always an edge to it when he critiques their moves, but nothing has been done about him yet.

"Agreed. I think he just likes having control over people", Jaebum replies.

"He told me last week that he thought I should change my looks and started pointing out things he wanted to change in a pretty rude way, but the next day, he came to apologize and seemed really regretful. He only notices how rude he is afterwards."

Jaebum hums thoughtfully, knowing perfectly well what Jinyoung is talking about. The man does not belong in a practice room, that much is sure. His rudeness could seriously be taken the wrong way.

"Yeah. I think he's just a perfectionist with a need to be in control, which he takes out on other people."

Jinyoung seems to hesitate a bit before speaking next.

"I think he's done something to Yugyeom." When Jaebum stares and raises his eyebrows, Jinyoung goes on to clarify. "Like, not _done_ something, but for some reason it seems he's been more affected by it than the rest of us. Maybe it's because he's the main dancer that our trainer picks on him more, but either way, I think it's been affecting him badly."

"Like... How badly?" Jaebum asks, and Jinyoung shrugs. "I'll talk to manager-nim again tomorrow and say that we won't participate in any practices as long as he's there."

Jinyoung agrees with him, and after that, the topic is dropped.

On the other side of the kitchen, Yugyeom turns back toward his room, his thoughts spinning with the conversation he just overheard.


	3. fainting

"How can I get better?" Yugyeom asked, out of breath after practicing for so long, but determined to find out why their trainer had kept staring at him throughout the routines. The man was new at the company, Yugyeom thought, but he still wanted to know what the older had been thinking.

The man seemed to consider Yugyeom's question, quickly glancing down the younger's body before replying.

"Loose some weight", he said to the maknae. "You can't have sharp movements when you look like that."

That had happened almost a month ago.

Yugyeom obviously doesn't blame all of his problems on that one trainer, like Jinyoung and Jaebum want to, since they seem to be thinking that the rude trainer is the only reason Yugyeom has been feeling down lately.

They're only partially right. That trainer had sparked something when he said that, but it's not like he caused all of it. Yugyeom's felt this way before, he's had these thoughts and done these things way before he even knew this trainer existed.

He wishes he could tell Jaebum and Jinyoung that, but instead, he turns and walks back to his room after overhearing their conversation. They don't need to know that he's suffering even more than they think he is. That would only bring down their mood, which could bring down the whole group, and Yugyeom doesn't want to be a problem to them. He'll deal with this on his own.

In his mind, dealing with it doesn't mean to stop what he's doing, it just means that he has to be careful about it and make sure they don't notice. If they notice, they'll try to help with it. He can't let himself become a problem to the rest of the group.

He's not sure if they've noticed how he's been a lot less touchy with them lately. Considering he's not exactly known for disliking skinship, Yugyeom supposes they must have. At least they haven't asked about it yet. He hopes he hasn't made them think that they've done something wrong.

***

One thing that's always been hard for Yugyeom is hunger. He does a lot better when someone simply puts food in front of him, and less well when it's up to him to actually make something himself. A lot of times, he'll just skip it instead of deciding on a meal and having to prepare it, not because he's bad at cooking, but because he doesn't see the harm in skipping a meal.

It's a horrible mindset, since it tends to lead to even more skipped meals, and that's exactly why Yugyeom doesn't do well with being hungry. His mood is less affected, meaning that it takes a long time before others notice, but his mind starts spiraling almost immediately.

_Why should I eat? Might as well skip out this time. Nobody will notice. I deserve the hunger, anyway, and it wouldn't hurt if I lost weight..._

Yugyeom would never share these thoughts with anyone. He also would never tell anyone about his problem with hunger, because it makes it sound like he can't even take care of his own basic needs. Though, in this case, it's true. He can't take care of his own needs. That's exactly what this whole problem is.

It's an hour left until practice starts, but Yugyeom is already warmed up in the dance studio. He left the dorms earlier this morning to get in some extra practice before the rest of the group will arrive in a little while, figuring that it won't hurt him to spend more time dancing this one morning.

He hasn't had breakfast, and he skipped dinner yesterday, so maybe it's not the greatest idea, but that's not really at the top of his mind right now.

All he does is go through their old choreographies. He doesn't do any improvising, because he doesn't think he'd be able to come up with any moves on the spot when his thoughts are this muddled. It's most likely the lack of food, but either way, thinking is near impossible.

Instead, Yugyeom performs their songs on muscle memory alone.

He's just reached the chorus of "Look" when he stumbles the first time. The leg movements are relatively fast, so he blames it on that, even though he logically knows that the speed is not the problem.

The song finishes with no more mishaps, and then "Hard carry" starts playing through the speakers.

His mind is spinning. The music sounds like it's coming from another room, and Yugyeom sees more than feels himself falling, as if his whole body has disconnected from his brain, leaving him with no feeling anywhere when his vision goes black.

The last he sees is the world growing taller around him... Or, maybe it's just his shifting perspective that makes it seem like that.

His body hits the floor with a thud.

***

Jaebum is surprised to find the practice room empty when he enters it.

To be honest, all of them probably are right now, having expected to find their youngest member already dancing as they enter, but he's not. The room is empty aside from the six members that just stepped inside.

Mark looks at their leader in question. They're all standing just inside the door, not having moved any further into the room.

"Isn't Yugyeom supposed to be here?" he asks, and receives a short nod in response.

They don't have any more time to dwell on that, as someone opens the doors behind them and a woman that Jaebum recognizes as one of the interns peers her head inside. They all turn to her upon hearing the sound of the opening door.

"Uh, sorry", she apologizes, most likely for interrupting them. "They sent me to tell you that Yugyeom just got sent back home to the dorms."

"What, why?" Jinyoung exclaims. His expression makes it clear that he's imagining the worse scenario possible, but to be fair, the other members aren't very different. The expression on Jackson's face is strangely closed off, and the two maknae liners present both look worried.

The girl makes a sympathetic face, not wanting to alarm them any more but still needing to tell the truth.

"Low blood sugar, I think the doctor said", she tells them.

A chorus of questions start at that, as all of them wonder what happened, why there was a doctor there in the first place, if Yugyeom is okay and how they knew he was in need of a doctor. The girl seems to realize her mistake as she hurries to explain further.

"One of the choreographers came in to check on him when he was practicing, and it turned out he had fainted, so they got a doctor to check on him. Sorry."

The girl quickly excuses herself and disappears before the members can ask more questions.

Jackson opens his mouth, likely to start yelling out more questions about what is going on, but one of the choreographer hyungs choses that exact moment to enter, which is definitely better than them continuing to yell out things that no one there can answer.

The choreographer stops in the doorframe when he sees their expressions, figuring out exactly what they're upset about in less than a second.

"You can go see Yugyeom", he says, and they're all about to continue firing questions at him, but he holds up a finger to stop them, "_after_ practice. I'll give you five minutes to call him before we get started. But I'm telling you, he's fine now. He wasn't fine before and he won't be fine forever, but at the moment, he is. So please worry a little quieter."

Jaebum already has his phone out before the choreographer is done speaking, ready to hit the call button. The rest of the members stay close to him as he calls, but at least they don't complain when he lifts the phone to his ear instead of putting on speaker. Yugyeom doesn't need to be overwhelmed by all of them at the same time, especially since he supposedly passed out only a bit earlier.

Their maknae picks up after only two signals.

"Hey, hyung." His voice is bright, but Jaebum easily picks up on the underlying tiredness.

"Gyeom! What's up, are you okay?" the leader asks. He watches the other members' faces as they all wait for his response.

"Uh, right now, yeah, but I think there's something I need to tell you."

Jaebum can't say if that sentence is more comforting or worrying, but at least he doesn't appear to be about to collapse again. He can get through a practice session now that he knows Yugyeom isn't on the brink of death, and hopefully, they'll see each other as soon as practice ends.

Whatever Yugyeom has to tell him, it's a good thing that he's sharing instead of keeping it to himself, which Jaebum takes comfort in. The younger usually doesn't want them to worry about him, so it's great that he's decided to actually talk to them about whatever is going on.

"Okay. I'll be home as soon as practice ends, okay?" He waits for Yugyeom's confirmation before saying goodbye and hanging up.

They're all worried about their maknae. Something's been up with him for a while now, and they'd all like to know what it is. Hopefully before it's too late.


	4. we love you

Jaebum rides home in a separate car, not having the patience to wait for everyone else to get out of the building before going home to see their youngest.

The drive back doesn't take any longer than usual, but in Jaebum's mind, every second extends into an eternity. He keeps replaying the conversation they had before practice, and he wonders what Yugyeom wants to tell him. Wonders what's wrong.

When the car finally comes to a stop, Jaebum gets out and is up by their door in record time. He tries the handle, finding it unlocked, before entering the dorms with a shout of 'Hello' to let Yugyeom know he's home. There's no reply, but he thinks he knows where to find the maknae.

Jaebum is not surprised when he enters Yugyeom's bedroom to find the younger seated on his bed, leaning against the wall behind it. The boy looks up as he hears Jaebum come in. He immediately sits up straighter, suddenly looking a lot less relaxed. Jaebum isn't sure if it has to do with himself, or if it's because of what Yugyeom is about to say, but he hopes it's the latter, because he would not be happy to know that he's making their maknae uncomfortable in any way.

"Hey, Yugyeomie", Jaebum says as he sits down on the bed, reaching out with an arum to put around Yugyeom and giving a quick hug. It's not supposed to be weird, they're _boyfriends_, for fuck's sake, yet it feels a lot more tense than it should. At least the younger doesn't pull away.

Yugyeom doesn't return the greeting, getting straight to the point.

"I said I have something I need to tell you", he starts, and Jaebum nods. The younger takes a deep breath and looks away from Jaebum's face as he continues talking. Seeing the younger boy so worried makes Jaebum's chest hurt. "So, uh... I've been doing... Things. Bad things, to my body. Things like not eating, practicing too much, overdosing on laxatives..."

The younger goes quiet and finally faces his leader.

"Yugyeom, I-..." Jaebum lets out a deep breath before meeting Yugyeom's eyes. He knows that he has to take this moment to prove that Yugyeom did the right thing, telling him about this. In a way, this is a defining moment. And sure, it pains him to know that this has been going on without any of them noticing, that Yugyeom has been suffering alone, but that's not what this is about right now. "Thank you for trusting me with this, Gyeom. We'll get you help, I promise, and I promise we'll be there for you from now on."

There are tears in both of their eyes, and they don't even try to hide it.

Both of them know that this is only the beginning, that there will have to be many more conversations like this one before things get better, but it's a first step. This is a first step.

"Have you had anything to eat today?" Jaebum asks carefully, and Yugyeom is about to lie, nod his head and say _yeah, breakfast_, but catches himself before he can do that. There's no need to lie anymore.

Yugyeom shakes his head slowly, still not confident with telling the truth, but at least he manages to do it.

Jaebum hesitates before standing up from the bed. "I'll go get you a fruit or something."

When the older leaves, Yugyeom lets out a sigh and leans against the wall next to his bed, feeling like he either wants to cry or dance happily around the room. He's not sure how he feels about this.

Jaebum returns a minute later and hands over a banana to the younger, a soft smile on his face as he does so.

"Eat, and then you can nap. Do you want to tell the others when they get home?"

Yugyeom stills, thinking it over. He knows he'll have to let them know about this in some way, but he's not really up for telling them right now.

"Could you tell them?" he wonders in a small voice, looking at Jaebum, who nods almost immediately.

"Okay", the leader agrees. "I'll tell them. Does..." he hesitates again. "Does anyone else know about this?"

Yugyeom shakes his head once more, and Jaebum doesn't have anything else to say after that, so they sit in silence while the younger eats. It's not a lot, but it's a start. Jaebum will definitely make sure he eats more later today, but that's later. Right now, he can just eat this and then nap.

***

Yugyeom had been worrying about how things would change. Obviously, there would need to be changes if he wanted to get better, but he used to feel like he'd become nothing but a burden to the other members when they found out. And maybe this is a problem that they sometimes will have to help him with, but it really isn't as big of a deal as Yugyeom used to worry it might be.

He hadn't expected that his boyfriends would leave him alone with this issue, but he had thought that it might be made into a huge deal, and that certainly wouldn't have helped him, since one of his greatest insecurities about this whole thing has been to become a problem to them.

When Yugyeom wakes up from his nap, there is a person sitting by the end of his bed, and he can hear the other members through the open door to his bedroom. He looks up and recognizes Bambam's face, lit up by the glow from his phone screen. Bambam hasn't noticed that he's awake yet, but Yugyeom kicks lightly with his feet against the other's legs, causing the Thai boy to look up.

"You're awake!" he comments, putting his phone down and turning slightly so that his body is facing Yugyeom. The younger nods before yawning and sitting up. "How are you feeling?"

Yugyeom almost says 'hungry' before stopping himself, the thought that he shouldn't be eating more today a hinder in his mind. He remembers Jaebum telling him that he would let the other members know what's been up with their maknae for this past month, but Yugyeom isn't sure if the leader did that while he was asleep or if the members still don't know.

"What did Jaebum tell you?" he instead settles on asking, noticing the small pout that appears on Bambam's face as he says so.

"Everything you told him, I think", Bambam replies. "But you didn't answer my question."

"Uh, I'm not tired anymore", Yugyeom replies, trying to avoid having to say anything about his mental health or appetite. He can't lie and says that he feels good, or even okay, but the members are probably worried enough about him already.

Bambam gives him a suspicious look, but decides to ignore that the younger isn't saying anything else. Instead, he continues talking about what happened while Yugyeom napped.

"Well, Jaebum hyung was gonna call someone about dieting. He said that you shouldn't be put on a diet again, so he's trying to get that fixed."

"Never?" Yugyeom asks. Never dieting again doesn't sound like a good thing, and to him, it feels like that's a great way to make him feel bad about not contributing enough to the group in terms of visuals. He has to diet for comebacks, has to make himself look good. That's just the way it works.

"Never", Bambam confirms. "You're just not gonna diet. It's no big deal. You know Mark hyung doesn't usually do it, either."

"But… I'm an idol."

There's genuine confusion in Yugyeom's voice, and Bambam stares for a few moments as he considers how he's supposed to make the maknae understand this. It sounds like Yugyeom thinks he's supposed to sacrifice his own well-being just to look a little bit thinner for comebacks, which isn't what they want at all.

Bambam tries not to sound upset when he continues.

"Being an idol won't matter when you end up in a hospital bed." He's speaking at a lower volume, but there's much more intensity in his voice, making him sound protective. "You can't put work before your health. Since you're already struggling to eat normal portions, no one should be making you eat even less. And don't even try to argue with this. Honestly, we just want you to be healthy, and none of us care how much you weight. You're still beautiful. You're still our maknae, our boyfriend, and we love you no matter how you look."

Yugyeom is speechless by the time Bambam finishes, not sure what to say to this. The older boy has tears in his eyes, but is refusing to look away from Yugyeom, stubbornly holding their gazes locked together.

Everything Bambam said is making Yugyeom's head spin with thoughts, with questions and uncertainties, but in the end, none of it matters. His members are there for him. They're not letting him suffer alone.

They don't break their eye contact until the bedroom door opens, pulling them out of whatever thoughtful state they had previously been stuck in.

Youngjae looks inside the room, instantly noticing the facial expression of the two younger boys.

Youngjae, being Youngjae, also knows exactly what to do next.

He crosses the short distance to the bed with a soft smile on his face, before getting up on the bed in the space between the other two, gently placing one arm around each of them. They both lean into the touch, and all three of them quickly get closer to one another in a group hug.

"Maknae liners unite", Bambam whispers, only slightly joking, and it makes the others giggle. He rubs at his eyes, before seeing the tears on Yugyeom's cheek, and then reaches out a hand to wipe around the younger's eyes, as well. Youngjae keeps holding onto them silently, and they stay like that for quite a while.

None of them say anything, but Yugyeom can still feel their support and love.

Maybe he's not as alone as he thought. Maybe he never was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next (and final) part of this story is a bit more about the "recovery" even though i don't like calling it that, because even when you're considered "recovered" you can still have bad days and there's just no way to measure a "recovery"
> 
> but basically, i'm trying to say that it's about everyone being there for yugyeom while he works toward having fewer bad days, aka a "recovery" :)


	5. worth it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is, finally! the last chapter! it took a bit longer cause i've had no inspiration to write anything but music for the past week, but i finally finished my songwriting homework and could focus on finishing this story
> 
> thank you so much to everyone for reading, i hope you enjoy the ending :)

Their dynamic doesn't change. Nobody thinks any less of him for needing more help with taking care of himself, and even if Yugyeom feels like his problem makes him weaker, the others don't seem to agree.

Eating still isn't easy, but at least he manages most of the time, and that's all they can really ask of him.

The company gets rid of the trainer that had told him in a not-so-nice way to loose weight, because apparently, a lot of people had been complaining about him being too rude. Every two weeks, Yugyeom goes to talk to a therapist about how he's doing, gets to speak his mind freely, and also learns some different methods to deal with it when eating feels impossible.

Jaebum manages to make it so that Yugyeom won't be on any diets again, saying that they're too triggering for him. Their leader is probably right about that. Maybe it becomes a slightly bigger deal than Yugyeom had hoped it would be, but in a way, it's nice to know that others care enough to make these changes for him. It makes him feel cared for.

And even on the days when he feels horrible, they don't pressure him or make him feel like he's the problem.

As they all pile into the van on their way from an interview and toward the company to practice, Mark hands Yugyeom a breakfast bar out of his bag. He doesn't say anything, only gives the dancer a small smile, but Yugyeom appreciates the gesture. They know that he doesn't do well with being hungry, since he told them previously that his brain starts making excuses not to eat as soon as he starts feeling hunger, so now they try to avoid that as much as possible.

Their schedule today is tiring, and finding time to eat or rest isn't easy, but with the support of his hyungs, Yugyeom doesn't have to struggle too much.

He snacks on the bar that he got from Mark on the way to the company. Most of them are eating something small right now, which almost takes away all of the guilt he gets after eating. Almost, but not entirely. Just enough to manage.

Their busy schedule has made them all hungry, and Yugyeom doesn't really have the time or energy to skip a meal when it's like this. He might still feel bad later, but at the moment, all he can think is that he doesn't want to dance on an empty stomach. Had his members not been here, he definitely would have, but as it is now, he doesn't have to keep listening to his messed up thoughts.

He's eternally grateful for the presence of his hyungs.

However, the bad days are still bad for him, and it doesn't really matter how much the others love him when he's going through that. He still suffers.

The second Yugyeom opens his eyes, he knows today is going to be one of those days.

He gets out of bed and robotically picks out an outfit for the day, laying it out on top of his bed without thinking about much more than how the clothes will make his body look. The shirt is oversized and the pants are pretty loose, which will work well since they have dance practice today, while also keeping him comfortable enough to show himself in front of the others.

Getting dressed doesn't take long, even though Yugyeom has to avoid the mirror while doing it. On the other side of the room, Bambam is just waking up, reaching for his phone to busy himself with while adjusting to the state of being awake.

Yugyeom leaves the room before the older boy even notices that he's up.

Out in the kitchen, Jinyoung is just finished setting out plates while Mark puts breakfast down on the table where Jaebum is also seated. The leader is busy reading something on his phone, but the other two both look up when Yugyeom enters and send him a smile. He tries to smile back at them, but his face just feels tense. Hopefully they don't notice that something is off.

As Yugyeom takes a seat by the table, a feeling that he's learned to recognize as anxiety settles in his stomach, feeling like it's weighing him down, and Yugyeom doesn't want to add to the weight by eating. He feels hungry, but he really doesn't want anything.

As if on cue, Jinyoung sits down opposite him and pushes a bowl of rice toward him.

"Here, maknae." His tone is slightly teasing, and normally Yugyeom would retaliate by sticking his tongue out at being referred to as maknae, but today, he does nothing. He simply accepts the bowl and puts in front of himself without making any move to start eating. Both Jinyoung and Mark frown at that, the older nudging Jaebum to get his attention as well.

Yugyeom barely notices, too busy staring into his bowl while internally trying to convince himself to begin putting food into his mouth. Or, only half of his mind is trying to convince himself to do that. The other half is going on about how skipping breakfast is a small thing and that it won't actually affect him, that skipping only one meal isn't a real problem and that none of the others would care if he only does it this once.

Yugyeom doesn't notice when Mark moves closer, not until the older puts his arm around him in a sort of side hug. The boy looks up at his hyung with a questioning expression, silently wondering what he wants.

Mark doesn't say anything, only rubs his arm gently while continuing to hold onto him.

His voice is soft when he speaks up.

"Do you want some cereal instead?"

Yugyeom shrugs half-heartedly, not really caring about what kind of food they're gonna put in front of him as long as they don't force him to eat it.

Mark doesn't leave his side, but Jinyoung stands up again to go find another bowl that he can fill with cereal for the younger. Yugyeom tries not to feel like he's annoying them, but he can't exactly control how he feels. Logically, he knows that they don't have a problem with taking care of him, and most days, he believes that. Today is just not one of those days.

Yugyeom barely notices what the members around him are doing until the bowl of rice in front of him gets replaced by a bowl of cereal. He glances up briefly at Jinyoung's smiling face before staring down at the table again, missing the frown on his hyung's face as he does so.

Behind the maknae, Youngjae and Jackson step into the kitchen together, immediately catching sight of how everyone in the room seems to be focused on Yugyeom. They both look to Jaebum for an explanation, and the leader silently mouths 'bad day' to let them both know what's going on. Understanding takes over Youngjae's and Jackson's faces at that.

Jackson appears to have an idea as he approaches Yugyeom.

"Morning everyone!" he greets, sounding much more energetic than he looks. The rest of them are clearly questioning what he's up to right now, but Yugyeom barely reacts to his presence. Mark is still standing with his arm around the maknae, but he moves back a little when Jackson comes closer.

"Gyeom." The maknae looks up at Jackson when he hears him speak. "Come on, we'll go eat in the living room!"

Yugyeom just nods tiredly, letting himself be dragged from the table by a Jackson that's acting way too happy for it to be this early in the morning. The rest of the members look after them as they disappear, slightly confused about how that is supposed to help their youngest member with his obvious struggle to eat.

Only Mark has a small smile on his face, and it makes the others turn to him, wondering what it is he understands that they don't.

"Jackson's trying to help", Mark explains, seeing that they don't realize what the rapper is trying to do. "He'll probably have an easier time eating when there aren't as many people around, staring and worrying."

It's not a matter of getting better, it's simply a matter of getting through this day as easily as possible.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe it won't. And maybe his problem with food is kind of like hunger in the sense that there's no way to solve it permanently, but there are ways to deal with it whenever it comes back.

Either way, Yugyeom knows that no matter how much he struggles, his good days are worth it. The smiles on his hyungs' faces whenever he manages to eat even though he's feeling horrible are worth it, or their relieved expressions when he agrees to leave the dance studio despite feeling like there's a lot more to be done there. Those things are all worth it.

And maybe someday, Yugyeom will be able to believe that _he_ is worth it, too.


End file.
